From the moment we met during early move-in, we had a connection. It was easy to see how similar we were as we rearranged the furniture in our room and began decorating. During a FaceTime call with our other two roommates to make introductions before moving in, we found out we were both going through sorority recruitment. When deciding to room together, neither of us realized the connection we would have.
Because of COVID, I spent my senior year of high school at home and was entering college with no friends. I had always struggled with making friends. My past relationships often ended because of trivial things outside of my control. I wasn’t an “in” person and I was inclined to express unpopular opinions. I often put more energy into friendships than I received, which left me afraid and unsure of how to build new connections.
Though my new roomate and I had an initial bond, we made a real connection on Bid Day when we found out what house we made it into. The day was a blur but I clearly remember looking at her as we realized we both made it into ADPi. As the year progressed, we became joined at the hip.
With my issues surrounding friendship, I was terrified about losing this one. We bonded over our struggles surrounding friendship and both clung to our bond with an iron grip.
When she told me over the summer that she would be transferring to Southern Illinois University Edwardsville for the 2022-2023 school year, I was devastated. We had planned to room together in the sorority house and had spent the summer making plans. We brainstormed what our room would look like and our goals for the year, but none would come to fruition.
It was difficult adjusting to a long-distance friendship. We went from spending nearly every second of every day together to planning weekly check-ins and constantly Snapchatting. During one of these weekly check-ins a few months into the school year, she told me she met someone. I was excited for her and listened to her gush about him. Our FaceTime calls went from talking about school and the latest dramas to me telling her about my life and learning about what was going on in her relationship.
As her relationship evolved, I noticed a distance forming in our friendship. Over time our calls began ending abruptly and texts became more clipped. I felt confused about where the distance was coming from and worried I had done something wrong.
Everything came to a head in the summer of 2023. During a FaceTime call we began talking about plans for after graduation and if we wanted to move in together like we discussed. She was hesitant as she was unsure of where her boyfriend would fit into the equation. I could not understand why he would be a factor at this point because they had only been dating three months. I expressed this to her and ended up giving her unsolicited advice about her relationship. The call ended shortly after.
What followed was a month of sporadic 10-word replies to my messages. I was being ghosted.
This situation sent me into a spiral, unable to manage the fear that this friendship would end up in flames. My journal entries took a turn from general thoughts to obsessing over why nobody stuck around. Is there something wrong with me that drove people away? Am I unintentionally a bad person who hurts their friends without trying?
After months of little contact, we finally had a FaceTime call to talk about what was going on and I learned that this falling out had been building for a while. She revealed comments that I made that did not sit right with her and hurt her feelings, comments about her relationship and the way I talked about her boyfriend. She told me that it was obvious that I hated him despite never meeting him.
Surprised at her impression, I apologized for some poorly worded comments and reminded her that I had no experience with dating, making it hard to give her good advice.
We decided to rebuild our friendship, setting clear boundaries and valuing proper communication. As someone who has never been in a serious relationship, it was a difficult adjustment that I worked through with my therapist. I realized that I was operating from a very narrow worldview. Without experiencing one, I could not picture how a romantic relationship could shift priorities.
This experience taught me that it’s important to understand that friendships ebb and flow. Sometimes they change shape over time and that’s okay. Being friends with someone who is in a different stage of life takes a lot of work. It can be difficult to see things from their point of view at times.
Though this experience was painful, I’m glad it happened. It highlighted some issues I needed to work through in therapy to better understand myself such as my tendency to make things my fault. It also taught me how to work with the changes in a friendship instead of pushing against them. I came out of this experience with a different view on friendships, knowing that people come and go for a reason and it’s okay for friendships to change.